As a Humanist philosopher I sometimes feel that I am revisiting his conundrum of that day. I have all the firepower of our powerful species at my disposal – knowledge, science, the Internet – but there are infantry among the guns here too – atheist Klingers wearing our uniforms.

If Humanists look for other free thinking colleagues on the Net, they are likely to come acrossfreeratio.org, ostensibly an oasis of fellow intellectuals and a safe haven from the holy rollers. But not so fast – if I am going to discuss Humanism at their site, I shall be attempting to distill Grand Marnier from bunker oil.

The opposition to evangelical America among these infidels is so dug in and intractable (understandable after the religious orgies of the Bush era) that I had to eventually opt for an orderly retreat and wash my mouth out with soap. It isn’t supposed to be that way, but these guys are tar babies and it’s not for me to lead them out of the wilderness. There’s just too many of them, Sarge, and they all claim to be Humanists, oh yes!

What a treat then to come across an outfit like ieet.org, which operates on a higher plane. Nobody’s wasting time here rehashing the British analytic parlor game of ‘what’s in a word?’ and claiming it’s the only real philosophy. A case in point immediately jumps out at me – a superb article on the realities of space travel by Charlie Stross, entitled the Myth of the Starship.

Charlie has no trouble lowering his formidable scientific gun barrels and laying waste to the idea of travel among the stars, and it is a great pleasure to see a techie use his gift of the gab destructively – I mean creatively – to demolish star tourism.

He discounts our current space ventures as understandably primitive, and cites the root problem thus:
“Rather, what intrigues me is the possibility that the entire conceptual framework of the starship is a dangerously misleading dead-end, and that what we need is a new framework for thinking about interstellar travel.”

As a lifetime boater I adore ships, but Chas will have none of it:

“Such an interstellar capability isn’t going to look much like a “ship”. It’s going to look more like a DVD balanced on a microwave beam, or a can of beans hanging below a light sail energized by lasers powered by huge orbiting solar power stations. There won’t be any biological agencies aboard: just AGIs or something equivalent ported out of a fleshbody’s cranium. No hands, only nanotech assemblers. And after a voyage of decades or centuries it’s going to have to stop — somehow braking at the other end — then spend more decades farming rocks, slush and sunlight to build ever-bigger physical structures until it can build the equipment with which to phone home.”

I love it when a science pro talks dirty like that, but I agree that this is one elevator pitch a Harvard MBA is not going to see an immediate ROI in… Charlie remains an optimist that some day we can reach out into space – the mind is willing, but the starship idea has no legs.

He concludes: “If we succeed in doing it, it’s going to look nothing like the Starship Enterprise. Or even New Horizons. The whole reference frame we instinctively assume when we hear the word “ship” is just so wrong it’s beyond wrong-ness: it’s on a par with Baron Munchausen’s lunar exploits as seen in light of the Apollo Program. We need a new handle for discussing and analyzing such a venture. And the sooner we consign the “-ship” suffix to the dustbin of failed ideas, the better.”

So we take a lesson from Charlie Stross, the renowned SF writer, to the effect that travel to the stars is just too far out, and we must agree with him there, body and figure.

To be fair, Charlie was debunking starships as a means of transportation, citing the ridiculous amounts of energy and time required to transit unimaginable distances, just to the nearest star. He didn’t touch on the science fiction device of using black holes etc. as doors to other universes, which can negatively impact your lifetime, now and there. Let’s take what we learned from his summary and discard travel to the stars within the foreseeable future – period.

There is a cuter plan.

We’ll accept the Universe as our neighbor, as cool wallpaper, and not get too exercised about its existence – this remoteness buffers us from intruders. As a busy little species, our activities during the coming millennium will likely be conducted in complete privacy – there’s some comfort in that knowledge.

Our destination will be Venus, not the stars, for a number of great reasons. An obscure paper by NASA scientist Geoffrey Landis on the Colonization of Venus has this abstract:

“Although the surface of Venus is an extremely hostile environment, at about 50 kilometers above the surface the atmosphere of Venus is the most earthlike environment (other than Earth itself) in the solar system. It is proposed here that in the near term, human exploration of Venus could take place from aerostat vehicles in the atmosphere, and that in the long term, permanent settlements could be made in the form of cities designed to float at about fifty kilometer altitude in the atmosphere of Venus.”
It gets better, as Landis elaborates:

“At cloud-top level, Venus is the paradise planet. At an altitude slightly above fifty km above the surface, the atmospheric pressure is equal to the Earth surface atmospheric pressure of 1 Bar. At this level, the environment of Venus is benign.
• above the clouds, there is abundant solar energy
• temperature is in the habitable “liquid water” range of 0-50C
• atmosphere contains the primary volatile elements required for life (Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Sulphur)
• Gravity is 90% of the gravity at the surface of Earth.”

The fact that Venus is almost the size of the earth with 0.9 of its gravity means that I will immediately lose 20 pounds, and humans will not require an exoskeleton to support them when returning to Earth, as Mars colonists would. A challenge even for my Hong Kong tailor.

We can’t find so much as yellow snow on Mars, while Venus has been our tropical paradise-in-waiting – go figure. Who hired these space cowboys?

In the ebook “The Humanist” (Smashwords.com, use free coupon RJ93x) this opportunity on Venus is not lost on the Japanese. Next year they do launch a probe to investigate the Venusian atmosphere. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

What might we do on Venus? Our breathable air (nitrogen and oxygen) is a lifting gas in CO2, so any dirigibles we build can carry great weight. In perpetual sunlight and shielded laterally from cosmic rays, we’d build a nanocarbon frame and wrap a light plastic film around the city, which needs no pressurization, to shield us from the sulphuric acid droplets in Venus’ atmosphere. No space suits are required, because it really is shirtsleeve weather at 1 atm – truly miraculous.

Cities, countries and the UN on Earth could sponsor such colonies, there’s lots of room – the area of the cloud surface is three times that of earth. Solar planes can readily navigate from one city to another. Over time Venus would begin to cool as its cloud cover was converted, and the super-hot temperature on its surface drops toward Earth’s.

If we can configure an atmosphere like Earth’s, our species gains one virgin planet. One thing is for sure – if we build on the Japanese program there will be continuing interest and support from all humanity.
So starships, no. But planetship beacons for our youth, calling them to a future on Earth’s twin sister – oh yes.

Charlie Stross convinced us that star travel was a non-starter, so we accept the Cosmos as little more than scenery – works for me; I had not yet made any plans. Heaven can wait.

Looking around, we found an obscure NASA paper inviting us to colonize Venus, so as surely as the Caribbean attracts snowbirds – tropical paradise, here we come.
But really, why would we do this? Obviously the Earth is crowded and we could use some lebensraum, with more natural resources – no question. But there are deeper reasons, ones that make up the core of positive Humanism.

Our species suffers from two main cancers – militarism and corruption, and together they impoverish us. The only lasting solution to either of these diseases is world government, through the United Nations.

Next, if we define Humanism as an inclusive sensibility for our species, planet and lives then our species’ governance is its proper study. Humanists must become trusted critics and arbiters of the human condition.

That’s our baseline.

In “The Humanist” the ascendancy of the UN allows us to “lift up our eyes unto the hills”, the higher salients that humanity alone can contemplate. The cooperative process of colonizing Venus over 1000 years beckons, and could achieve the following:

1) End our long night of war, nationalism and racism.
2) Inspire youth to respect and trust in science, and to participate in terraforming our new planet.
3) Instill a consensus period and rationale for stabilizing and enjoying Earth for 1000 years.
4) Allow Homo sapiens a suitable time interval to deal with the Singularity, which is the dangerous inflection point wherein our native intelligence is surpassed.

All well and good, but what’s in it for us personally? Everything, if the truth be known.

Again from my book, I propose that Humanists partner up with the Jesuits, or ex-Jesuits as the case may be. (Fear not, I am neither Catholic, Christian, nor Jesuit – agnostic at best; just looking for a trained and proven crew to place in our ship’s wheelhouse).

When it comes to elaborating a catechism around the study and support of Man, the Jesuits are nonpareil. Their ranks are thinning fast, their churches are standing near-empty, and there is an opportunity at hand to simply change the books in the pews and continue – as Humanists. We must be mature enough to recognize the worth of our own traditions, and responsible enough to morph and manage them properly on our watch.

Our movement then gains fellowship, ritual and tradition by recycling churches, not by mocking or abandoning them. This process can occur within Islam and Hinduism as well as Christianity -modernizing their metaphysics while keeping their ethics.

Someday I hope to participate in a ceremony in a centuries-old church, whereby I place my genetic records – DNA, genome, tissue samples and life data – into the hands of Jesuit-like stewardship. Then, with my grandkids downstairs in Sunday school learning about Darwin and Venus, I’ll stand up and out-holler the choir on one or all of Pete Seeger’s Humanist hymns.

I won’t have to be rich or famous in my short lifespan, I’ll have more of them coming here, or on Venus. If “men live lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their song still in them” (Thoreau), I’ll die contented, knowing that I have entrusted all to my human family and our institutions.

This aspiration then will be our Humanist starship. We shall navigate to the one part of the Universe that matters to us – the other side of death; to the future. Death is a feature of biology; it is not our eternal albatross. Work with me on this.

Support the UN and starve out the military – we’re going to need some big money for knocking the new planet into shape.

**Submitted and approved as an “Idea” at Google Moderator http://moderator.appspot.com/ **

In this post-Bush era, orthodox religion is once more fading from fashion, and skepticism finds itself in favor. Young people thumb their noses at religious belief and proudly assert their bold affirmation of reason, even if nobody truly cares or listens. Their faith is no longer assumed, all eyes are on Facebook, not the Bible.

Atheism and Humanism are rebounding, while orders such as the Jesuits see their numbers dwindle toward extinction. Some see an opportunity for Humanism’s gentle metaphysics to benefit from a Jesuit-style advocacy, whether formally or with the participation of dissident factions to begin, as they offer each other the missing attributes needed to compete against strong fundamentalist communities.

Humanists Dismissed as Atheists

Humanism has a problem with atheism. It is too often equated with it; while it is in truth a positive philosophy directed at the potential that lies within our own species and lives. In its purest form it is inclusive of religion – historically there was little antipathy to the Catholicism that allowed Humanism to emerge again from its roots in ancient Greece, and to be revived during the Italian Renaissance.

Atheists have effectively hijacked Humanitas for their own purposes, advocating a secular Humanism to (ironically) trumpet their own freedom from religion. Some describe this aggressive atheism as “religion by a back door”. Edd Doerr, the longtime leader of the American Humanist Association, wrote in the NY times last month that he was “embarrassed” by the actions of atheists in the name of Humanism, that “We need to concentrate on what unites us, not on what divides us.”

Prominent science writer Richard Dawkins, despite being a VP of the British Humanist Association, nonetheless moves Humanism to the back burner to sell books to atheists. He extols evolution while relentlessly condemning the influence of religion. In essence atheism has captured the flag of Humanism and sits on it.

Given that Humanism may be the only philosophy Man is ever likely to universally adopt, the stakes may be higher than one might first imagine.

Jesuit Numbers in Free Fall

The Jesuits, the largest order in the Catholic Church and considered to be its most influential, have since Vatican II in 1965 been progressively drifting away from the Roman Catholic Church, while falling into a steep numerical decline. The Jesuit ranks are down by more than half since then, and there are very few novitiates studying to replace a membership whose average age is now over 60.

Jesuits are typically teaching or working with the poor in the 3rd World, safeguarding them from the excesses of capitalism rather than from their own sins. Jesuit writer and candid critic Fr. Malachi Martin described their liberation theology as being “…more communist than Christian”.

The Humanists lack fellowship, ritual, congregation venues and a social mandate; whereas the Jesuits need to rededicate themselves to our species. This is an order that was banned and dissolved in 1773, then revived in 1814, so its reformation today would  not be unprecedented. To again become trusted critics and stewards of human affairs, they clearly must revise their outmoded tenets and allegiances. These two institutions are complementary if each adopts the best features of the other.

The Jesuits’ proven acumen for teaching and management at the highest level could bring forth a communal catechism for the otherwise inchoate theory and practice of Humanism – which awaits a professional organization within its echelons to champion it.

A Reformation Based on Reason

The current expansion of home churching and Humanist meetings is evidence that there is a hunger in society for reformulating faiths from a grassroots level, and in some degree these home groups can be expected to coalesce into conventional churches again over time.

This pathway of recycling human aspiration back into our legacy institutions – bricks, mortar, and ethics included, could result in Humanist families choosing to celebrate their lives in churches – the orphaned edifices of hope left to them by their elders. Apostate atheists would not be among them.

As they share the songs of Seeger, with their children downstairs in Sunday school learning of Darwin and Debussy, Humanists would be building a species-centered faith on the shoulders of our great thinkers. And doing it in church, cementing its legitimacy.

Sources:

1. The Jesuits: The Society of Jesus and the Betrayal of the Roman Catholic Church, by Malachi Martin, Simon & Schuster, 1987

The accepted history of Humanism is largely a tale of free thinkers battling orthodox Christianity over the past five centuries, and that battle has effectively been won. With the Bush era concluded in America, we can expect to see fundamentalism fade from influence in much the same way that it has in Europe. So the issue for us becomes: whither Humanism as we know it?

It is often said that organizing Humanists is like herding cats, so any initiative toward collectivizing them at first seems ill-advised. Humanists today largely associate themselves with free thought, which is the virtual opposite of anything organized, and that free thinking is usually centered on a proud atheism or agnosticism. With a few encomiums to be compassionate and to enjoy our one life appended – this mini-philosophy is pretty much all that Humanism currently offers up.

It’s not enough, and if we leave it there, we’ll just remain a small sect of social-climbing god-baiters.

If Humanism is to live up to its greater promise and become a credo that unites our species, it must see its avowed Human attributes brought forward, acknowledging that:

1) Atheism is Tired in the West. Humanism can be expanded conceptually to be seen as the philosophy of our species, Homo sapiens. It begs for new parameters beyond strident atheism – which by itself is obvious and banal to the young – why embrace a counter-religion?

2) Atheism is Not Tired in the developing world. Large obstacles remain in India, the Arab world, Africa, Indonesia and parts of Asia and South America to displacing religions with secular education, science and compassionate human rights. This is the theatre where free-thinking individual Humanism must continue to be championed.

3) Species Governance Humanism will assume new stature if it incorporates an attitude of responsibility toward human affairs that is astute, constructive and visionary.

Who speaks out now on behalf of the United Nations and disarmament? Who decries corruption in the Third World? Who rescues women, children and the aged as they get bypassed or run over by fundamentalism, globalization and heroic consumerism?

Many small agencies and NGO’s do try, yes – but these are matters for Humanity as a whole to gain formal control of, as its legal infrastructure. The issue is responsible species governance, and it’s a mantle that’s there for Humanists to assume, if we can augment our tenets to demonstrate a wider perspective.

Where to Start? It is evident that individual Humanism still faces a struggle outside the western world, and requires our continuing support. Nonetheless, militarism and greed threaten to impoverish or compromise every sector of our society, and those are problems on our home front.

The United States, for example, with just 4% of the global population, wastes more on military spending than the rest of the world combined, and not because it fears invasion or attack. It is incumbent on American Humanists to move beyond debating fundamentalists and to begin bringing their attention to a war machine that is out of control and the prime source of discord globally. Is our weapons “culture” an appropriate matter for Humanists to address? If not, we must explain for children why we condone specters like nuclear submarines, each of which can each lay ruin to entire countries. This matter is an insult to every living human being, our great species cancer, and it is the job of Humanists to become identified with its termination. Every war weapon is a sad monument to Human failure.

Humanism will find wider support when it addresses world affairs and represents our species per se – we must recast it into a larger envelope and mandate. Bringing forth an inclusive Humanism around an expanded array of principles, with a proactive agenda, is where our generation will succeed or flounder as architects of a Humanist civilization.

The IHEU has specified that Humanism no longer be prefaced with an adjective, such as “secular Humanism” is. That said, we can still speak of an “inclusive Humanism” and simply be referring to a larger numerical constituency and distribution, not another philosophical variant.

Vision and Destiny The appropriate public face of  Humanism must be that it is inclusionary. A common observation among Humanists is that we often envy the community and fellowship that many religious people enjoy via their churches; they find companionship, a sense of belonging and peer comfort within their congregations and rituals.

A rapprochement with religion is not inconceivable. It has occurred to some Humanists that we might put together our own hymnary e.g. That speaks of human love and loss, to be shared by our membership, if we might permit ourselves. The Internet has displaced the need for buildings and congregations, while affording us the opportunity to share our thoughts and beliefs within forums and online communities that have their own advantages.

These attributes of conventional religion have much to teach us about our own movement. They are invaluable assets to theists and we lose more people for not having them than any other reason. Our numbers languish while fundamentalism booms around the world because the major religions comment and advise on inter-human issues and individual destiny, and we Humanists do not.

An example: the motto of the British Humanist Association is “For the one life we have.” Not only is it depressing, with its focus on mortality, it’s admonishing us for thinking evil thoughts like having an afterlife. Meanwhile the fundamentalists continue to sell seats in heaven (not realizing they already live there), while our best minds are employed writing dystopian plots for video war games.

Let’s put those young people back to work on healthy Human projects. Let them examine just where and how we can get to a point where our species can anticipate the coming centuries as a golden age of co-operative celebration. Make that a few millennia – our sun is patient, time’s canyons are wide and if we reduce our numbers the Earth might reward us with a languid and verdant glory that we have never dared dream of.

Humanism is a Major Philosophy While Humanism has become associated with its roots as an atheist rearguard action, it is important to take the concept into our own hands, roll it over, and examine it more closely.

Notice how the word Human makes up most of its structure, as it’s ostensibly about Humans, not gods. Ask yourself what this has truly come to mean. Is modern Humanism about Humanity, or is it being miniaturized conceptually, hijacked and abused as fancy packaging for atheism? Should we care?

Care indeed, because ideas such as Humanism are very rare within our species, and we need these ideas to gain traction, lest competing nations kindle more wars or the planet be lost to dissonance. No other term can identify a credo that is as free of other motives and agendae as ‘Humanism’ does.

The religions and NGO’s overseas aid programs usually include their own provisos along with their plans for peace and prosperity. None stands cleanly alone like Humanism, to represent Humans per se, not to be embedded with other homilies and beliefs.

Recognizing our station as a responsible species, first and foremost, is a fresh concept that begs for this name, regardless of its historical usage. If it must be morphed toward that connotation, so be it. As Napoleon commented “Men are like sheep and must be driven to the pasture.”

What’s New Here? Is inclusive Humanism a novel concept? Are there other grand ideas that center on the species, rather than the individual, that perceive our existence as a distinct franchise with its own responsibilities and promise? Some will say science does, and while science achieves many things, it is really an intellectual method that Humans adopt; science does not define us or speak for us.

Historians may view the Renaissance as Humanism’s high point, but that was more accurately a salient of emerging intellectual awareness, our coming-out party. It trumpeted new freedoms and was a voice of optimism for mankind, but the Renaissance’s rediscovery of Greek and Roman classicism did not emphasize social responsibility and environmental stewardship. Nor did it proscribe species violence or worry about pollution; it was all about me, an awakening that heralded the apogee of first-generation individual Humanism.

In the 19^th century the French sociologist Auguste Comte championed ‘social feeling’ as the successor to ‘selfish feeling’, to create a ‘collective consciousness’. This was Humanism being born as a species-wide idea. Of course, Marx and Hitler would later exploit this pan-Human expansion to include classes or nations, their tribal jingoism writ large, and these societies were seen to be emerging from or struggling with other Human groups. That will never be Humanism.

Humanism affirms all of Humanity as its membership, and whether this seems facile or not, like a mother’s love for her child – Humanism is not conditional. And the child’s inalienable responsibilities to her are not conditional either. Like it or not, all Humans are inclusionary of each other.

Humanism remains a pure notion that is centered on Humanity alone and cannot be diverted to some collateral consideration like a disbelief in the supernatural. It is critical that it not be missed, dismissed or ignored, the way a youth may lazily wave off his family or elders, because as a species we are not going to get an indefinite number of opportunities to coalesce and realize the gifts of life, this planet and our potential together. We cannot continue to direct our economies toward improbable wars and unbridled consumerism, then wake up one fateful day and find that critical resources and our once-virgin planet are irretrievable.

For this reason Humanism must become our species advocate and defender, warts and all, as its responsible watchdog and final arbiter. Once it becomes evident that Humanism is unifying our societies, institutions and activities within a sustainable environment, its credibility will be unquestioned – we are Humans and not ashamed of the fact.

Until then, it is incumbent on us to recognize this Faberge egg for what it is, hold it with both hands, and re-enroll it into a nobler cause than its outdated identification and obsession with simple atheism.

Dwight Jones studied Physics (McGill), Engineering (Laval) Biosciences (UC Berkeley) and Philosophy (B.A., Simon Fraser) and is currently an author of speculative fiction.

The process began when a downtown Vancouver church with less than a hundred members struggled with severe funding and vandalism problems, and offered its historic church for sale to clear its debts.  A Vancouver Humanist group that had been leasing premises inquired, and instead of purchasing the church agreed to merge the two congregations and to assume the church’s overhead. Its name has been changed to The Humanist Church and the arrangement is attracting increasing interest across Canada.

“It’s been a wonderful experience.” observes Martin McGlade, who convinced his local Humanist chapter that they had much to learn from traditional religion. “Most Humanists are atheists or agnostics at best, but we have always lacked true community, ceremony or a sense of destiny and belonging. We are learning here that tradition and ritual are fulfilling to our membership, and at the same time our Humanist philosophy is becoming accepted by the older congregation.”

In addition to rescuing a Vancouver landmark from possible demolition, the Humanist group has retained the church’s pastor and staff for continuity, and to teach them church operations and procedures.  After its exposure on national television, two other churches in Toronto and Ottawa are now sharing premises and expenses with local Humanists.

Pastor John Meagher of Ottawa’s Humanist Church commented that “Christian and Humanist ethics are almost identical, and we are learning from each other that liberal Christianity and an inclusive Humanism have much to share and to teach each other.”

Meagher foresees more churches merging with Humanists. “When Martin Luther initiated the Reformation, it began as heresy, as some might view our merger. The young people I speak to now want to discuss life and our species and our planet, and leave heaven and hell to the fundamentalists. Our existing congregation did not find that a barrier at all.”

The Humanist Society of Canada is rumored to be discussing a nation-wide merger with a group of churches from various Protestant faiths, many of them in decline and fraught with disputes over the ordination of women or gay marriage.

Humanist Society spokesperson Mary Duchene relishes the idea of establishing at least one church in every city. “We have enough Humanists per city to keep at least one church full and financially healthy, and our collective Humanism is proving more acceptable than simple atheism.” she said.

“Humanists affirm their relationship with Humans, with our planet and species governance the key issues. Many people embracing Humanism agree that we must fully respect what the traditional churches have carried to us. Many realize that we are already in ‘heaven’, enjoying life and our Earth, and the older people are finding that intriguing as well, everybody is a little wiser and more comfortable.”

Citing their founder W.K Kellogg’s dictum that “We are a company of dedicated people making quality products for a healthier world.” the company is responding to criticism that its products are now a prime contributor to the explosion of Type II Diabetes in the American population.

Sugar-based food manufacturers such as Coca-Cola and Kellogg’s are increasingly wary of class-action suits emerging from diabetic patient associations, and have seen juries award huge settlements in litigation brought by cancer victims against tobacco firms, some of whom also manufacture food products.

The American Diabetes Association replied that it is taking a “wait and see attitude” before commenting.

Determined not to have “another Cuba, kitty-corner from Fidel’s”, they aim to crush our revolution before it begins – although intelligence is still sketchy and they may just be planning a crackdown on Cuban cigars.

We must assume that the enemy shall be attempting to land elite units in the Bay of Fulford, with naval intrusions into Ganges Harbour.

THE DEFENCE OF FULFORD
Enemy plans call for their commandos to be disguised as OAP operatives who will arrive on a string of tour buses, commandeering the ferry Skeena Queen as a troop transport. Since the catering facilities on the Queen are dismal, we must assume that they will first try to seize Rose’s Cantina, avoiding the Resting Company (a notorious gray bar in their eyes, and certainly no Starbucks), with their ultimate target undoubtedly Patterson’s store with its last few copies of the Globe&Mail.

As the first tour bus climbs the ramp, Captain Warner will lead the charge by leaping up and grabbing the windshield wipers of the bus, (providing it is not raining), then neutralize their driver with Gaelic expletives. Our women regulars will then hurl patchouli-scented leaflets through their windows, announcing that the Saturday market is cancelled to demoralize their troops, then slash the bus tires with their tree-planting mattocks. As always, in their trademark tactic taught to them by the Ghurkhas, they’ll be chaining themselves to the back bumper, after the muffler has cooled down a bit.

This action should trap the entire contingent, delay the next sailing another fifteen minutes, and form a good subject for a local film.

SECURING VESUVIUS
Our best men, battle-hardened by years of conflict with RCMP helicopters, will be held in reserve, first emptying the liquor store to deny succor to the enemy, after which they will pick up their high tech weapons at Radio Shack and move north to secure the new Vesuvius Inn and ferry dock from possible seizure. There they will throw up a smoke screen, while monitoring ship movements in Sansum Narrows and the Stanley Cup playoffs.

In the long summer afternoons, we must try to maintain esprit de corps, with a belligerent posture to defray unwise incursions by enemy formations and wives. I shall personally be visiting these main units to stand alongside you.

REINFORCEMENTS AT LONG HARBOUR
More buses will arrive aboard the Queen of Nanaimo, this time bringing our Chinese reinforcements from Vancouver. All B&B operators must be on duty there to see that these volunteers are properly fleeced at Hastings House and then bivouacked into the surrounding hills. All such accommodations must be prepaid before being issued, and the Army accepts all major credit cards. I need not remind you that approved Gucci apparel must be worn on the battlefield at all times. Sunglasses are a must, but these events are no longer sponsored by RayBan.

OUR COUNTER-STRIKE FROM FULFORD AIR FORCE BASE
Our B-152 bomber is now fully armed with a solution of Cusheon Lake water mixed in with undercooked sushi and tofu. It is to fly down to Bangor, WA and let loose its fearsome payload over the Trident submarine pens. Needless to say, sub crews with the trots will want to scuttle their ships before long, and we can expect them to be out of the war indefinitely. Yes, it’s germ warfare and not quite Geneva, but look at what they’ve done to our loved ones, our Canadian dollars, in the past.

THE CRUCIAL ENGAGEMENT FOR GANGES HARBOUR
Our observers have confirmed that the USS Gates, supported by a task force including the pre-war USS Streisand will arrive at the mouth of the harbour beginning with the long weekend, and we have deployed our Russian submarine from Victoria’s inner harbour to Ganges Marina (for the summer only) to lie in wait for them. Admiral Ross should have her refloated and operational soon, and my orders are for the Moskovskaya to then pick its way through the minefield of crab traps – right out there on the Ganges fairway – and confront the foe.

In the meantime our surface vessel the Queen of de Nile will engage their flagships by first offering to sell them local herbs, then quickly pushing aboard with Thrifty’s foods flyers (all prices in Canadian dollars) to spread panic among the crews’ quartermasters.

Meanwhile, forty Realtors otherwise too ambitious for combat will nonetheless be waiting in their Ganges offices and listening intently to Major Black on CBC Radio Saltspring, for the secret word that will tell them when to all flush their toilets simultaneously. The resulting brown wave out in Ganges harbour is expected to soil the britches and Sperry’s of every enemy Petty Officer and send their fleet packing.

In this dire time I remind all personnel that Saltspring expects every man to call forth his best with our rallying cry: “Remember the Cy Peck!”